Anticipatory Grief During the Holidays

When you’ve lost someone you love, the holidays can be especially difficult. No matter how many years go by, it’s still a challenging time to navigate. Traditions are never quite the same. There’s an empty chair at the table. The excitement in the air is not as tangible as it once was. But what is hard to explain—unless you’ve experienced it—is the anticipatory grief that inevitably comes with this season.

What Is Anticipatory Grief?

Anticipatory grief is that lingering feeling of not knowing what to expect when the holiday finally arrives. It’s like subconsciously bracing yourself, mentally and emotionally, for the unexpected gut punch that may hit on the actual day—or even in the days that follow. It’s mourning and trying to celebrate at the same time. It’s stressful, triggering, and exhausting.

While the world is buzzing with decorations, carols, busy calendars, and holiday cheer, your mind is consumed with how you will feel. You are constantly on guard—trying to protect your heart from more pain, trying not to think about the pain you already feel, and yet feeling it all at once. Ironically, the weeks of anticipation can be harder than the holiday itself.

A Personal Experience

For me, the months of October through January are always heavier than the rest of the year. October brings multiple family birthdays, including mine, along with memories of celebrating Jet and all the pride and excitement surrounding his accomplishments. Thanksgiving was the last time we gathered as a full family—my parents, siblings, nieces, nephews—and Jet was right there, loving every moment. He adored family gatherings. December comes with memories of many more lasts, including the day of his accident. The new year reminds me that yet another full calendar has passed without him. And then January arrives—the grand finale—when we honor what would have been another birthday. I catch myself thinking about what he might look like now, how much he would have grown, and what he might have achieved. The truth is, none of these holidays or anniversaries are inherently more painful than a random Tuesday in July—but they carry layers of reminders of what’s missing.

Finding Joy Again

I thank God every day that I’ve learned to experience joy again. But grief is a journey—and not a linear one. Some days feel lighter, and others feel impossibly heavy. And that is okay.

A Gentle Reminder

As we move into this holiday season, if you know someone who is facing “the most wonderful time of the year” without someone they love—whether it’s the first year or the tenth—show them a little extra grace. Even the strongest, most grateful, and most faith-filled hearts struggle this time of year. Take a moment to see through their eyes.

And if you are that someone this year, please hear this: You’re not alone. You’re doing better than you think. And you are going to make it.